Training

Training for me is a lot like being a child in a toy store. I see all of the fancy things and I want them. The more time I spend there, the more things I want. This in turn, keeps me around for longer and so it is a self fulfilling & positive cycle.

Forcing myself to train when I lack the time & actual energy to do it properly is a lot like being a poor child in a toy store. I still see the same fancy things and I want them just as badly as I always have. But I understand that the investment is greater than what I can afford. So I crave them from a distance with a heavy heart.

Ultimately, I know that I can weather the storm and that this feeling won't last forever. But from this perspective, it's not hard to see why a martial artist might want to be in it all the way or not at all.

Reflecting

I've been at this for a few years now and some moments have given me a larger chance to grow than others. Even in the moments where I didn't feel too much of a change, there was at least incremental growth. Lately, I have only been able to grow achieve this kind of growth. An adjustment here or greater fluidity there. I have not plateaued, but I am stuck. I say this because I realize that I am unwilling to let go of what I think I know in order to learn something else.

I often tell myself to soften up and even try to soften up. But in the back of my mind, I can feel it. I know that if things go sour, I'm going to pump as much strength into that technique as I can to finish it effectively. Clean or ugly, proper or otherwise. And I'm sure that's not altogether a bad thing. If I were in danger and knew only what I know now, it would be the smartest thing to do.

But I also know that this mindset keeps me from getting softer. If a technique goes sour, there is a way to become soft enough to make it work. To actually improve the technique by being softer. I only know that it exists, but I don't really know how to get there. At least not yet.

I'm not sure how I'm going to pull it off. Nor how many reminders I'm going to need! But I think that's a crucial step in my training. It's the next step.